The Nightmare Begins Now....

Sunday, February 25, 2007

It's been a week since I've been apart from Edda, I'm starting to get used to the feeling, though it'll still be a while before I can actually stop hurting...

Was talking to Benny on MSN yesterday, he was helping I-lynn pack her luggage 'cause she's leaving for Melbourne in a few hours. He was telling me how terrible it felt, to leave someone you care and love so much. Suddenly, I thought back to 17th Feb, and this pain that's been secretly piling inside me suddenly exploded. Lips quivered. Both I-lynn and Benny had done this 4 times already, I dunno how their hearts still can beat normally after going through such a traumatic experience, not once, not twice, but 4 times! Leaving someone u care so much is almost as painful as someone close to you dying, it hurts so much that you can't breathe, and no painkillers can cure the pain...

My parents went back to Singapore yesterday, which made everything sucked even more. My sis and I are left to fend for ourselves, to hunt for our own food, just like Mogli in Jungle Book. Without my parents' comforting presence and support, it feels a tad tougher to be whole at times. But there's still my sis, which is a huge plus for me.

I miss the times when I would go to Edda's hostel to chill with her on the bed, and look for some chinese song lyrics to sing, and we'd be struggling to read the chinese words and sing at the same time.

I miss the times when she'd come to my place, and we'd watch tv together, i'd let her watch watever she wants.

I miss the times when she'd fall asleep on the bed, and I'd watch over her.

I miss holding her hands, and she'd hold them even tighter once in a while, and look me in the eyes, as if giving me the assurance that everything was going to be alright.

I miss shopping wif her, roaming the streets aimlessly, with nothing in mind to get at all, just enjoying the company of each other.

I miss eating Haagen Dazs with her, having Strawberry cheesecake, Cookies and Cream and rum and raisin ice cream topped with aloe vera and strawberries.

For those who dunno wat I'm saying, just read this for fun. For those who are going through long distance relationships, or are attached or are about to, maybe u guys can relate to wat i'm talking about. You lie in bed, and only her face comes into your mind. Every message she sends you brings tears to your eyes, her voice becomes a lullaby, a soothing remedy for heartaches. You yearn to have her in your arms, never letting go.

I miss everyone...

Song of the Post - Diary of Jane by Breaking Benjamin

I SCARED YOU @ 3:25 PM

Saturday, February 24, 2007

Words can't explain the pain and sorrow that i've caused you
Saying sorry is the only thing i'm good at
I feel so helpless and useless
As the selfish bastard inside me steers me like a puppet
I wanna protect you so much
To shield you from all evils of the world
I want to keep you all to myself
But sometimes I get carried away,
leaving you nothing but tears and pain..
I never meant to hurt you my princess,
I've always wanted wat's best for you.
I'll support you in everything you do,
I'll always be the one clapping the loudest
I'll always be the one shouting your name

There are times when hurtful things are being exchanged between both parties
Things said at the heat of the moment
Comparisons with other people, and thoughts spoken out loud
We hurt, we quarrel,
But in the end, I still care for you
More than you'll ever understand
I hope you care just as much,
And I hope you never ever think that I'll try to hurt you in any way..
Those three words, said too much...
Yet not enough...
So princess, here's another for the road
I love you dearie....
Forgive me please...
It hurts to see you hurt because of me....

I SCARED YOU @ 12:23 PM

Thursday, February 22, 2007

This is my 2nd year celebrating my birthday in Melbourne, and it just gets more and more pointless by the year. Woke up today and immediately felt like crap, despite turning 23 and all, one year closer to my dusty coffin hiding in my wardrobe, one year less to earn my first million, haa..

I felt really miserable and down in the slums, didn't wanna do anything, didn't wanna say anything. Read a couple of birthday messages from my phone, mum came into the room and asked me to go eat mee sua 'cause it's my birthday today. Had no mood to eat at all, but forced the food down anyway, didn't wanna upset my mum and waste her hard work. After that, the family went out, leaving me home alone. I had the intention of following them, but i was just so upset, dunno with wat... I think it's partly due to my heartaches.. still kinda hurt, but its getting better...

Edda woke up soon after and we were chatting on skype, miss her voice so much... poor dearie.. slept so late the night before 'cause she went mambo wif jinsheng, had a lil alcohol, and was all tired out when i was chatting with her. She still had to go to the lab to bake bread for her FYP, so i accompanied her with my voice, haa.. But most of the time, I was moaning to her about how sucky i felt, and had a very sullen tone. Sorry princess for being like this.... must be hard on her for tolerating my crap...

Watch Jackass 2 on my comp after chatting with her, was laughing my ass off!!! OMG! The stunts they pulled! Classic!!!! Brightened me up a lil'. Slept for like 5 min, and my parents came home, asking me to cut cake. In my mind, I was like "Argh... so old alr... I dun wanna cut cake..." But dragged myself up anyway, opened my bedroom door and my sis was carrying my birthday cake. It was soooo cool! One Piece Anime Cake!!!! Wif my face on it!!!!!! It was soo nerdy! And yet so cool!!! Thanks sis for the cake! Really appreciate you walking under the hot sun to collect the cake for me, love ya sis!!!!

This is the pic on the cake, haaa!

The actual cake

went docklands for dinner, some steakhouse... Still very moody, was trying not to bring down everyone's mood, but very hard... just didn't have mood for anything.. Swallowed my beef in silence, listened to my family converse with each other, once in a while talking, den drifting off again.. came home soon after. Sorry mum, dad and sis for being like this, very hard to be happy when you have so many things in your mind and dunno how to let them out...

In my room now... listening to itunes, typing away on my redundant blog... can't wait for school to start, get my mind off everything.. Think the reason for my angst is that im thinking about too many things... mostly school and my gal back home.. I have a feeling im gonna stay this dark and twisted for the next four years.....

P.S. Edda princess, thank you for last night! U've given me the greatest gift any guy could receive! Heeeeeeeeee!

Song of the Post - Dracula From Houston by Butthole Surfers

I SCARED YOU @ 6:14 PM

Sunday, February 18, 2007

Starshine
Can you hear me?
My heart's calling out to yours
It's screaming out your name
It yearns for your presence

I never knew it would turn out this way
Never knew it would hurt so much
I tried to swallow the tears as I said my goodbyes
When you told me not to go,
my lips quivered and my vision blurred
I couldn't hold the tears anymore

I'm sorry I wasn't strong enough,
Strong enough to assure you that everything is gonna be alright
Instead you had to put on a brave front for me
I feel so helpless, and utterly useless
I really need you right now
To hold you in my arms

Two people separated by thousands of miles
And yet will always be connected by love
We will pull through, my princess
I know we will....

I SCARED YOU @ 9:16 PM

Monday, February 12, 2007

Fresh cut wounds on your scab-covered heart
The stitches and bandages are starting to come off
The feeling of love is like a double-edge sword
It feels you with hope and blissful joy
And yet it cuts you with a million knives

Paranoia and insecurities flood your mind
As you close your eyes to rest your soul
Your mind goes into a frantic rave
Where could she be and what could she be doing
"Screaming Infidelities" playing over the airwaves
Your heart stops beating for a second
It feels like o'reaper's hand clasping on your already damaged heart
You can't breathe, it hurts so much
The pain of groundless jealousy stabs you so hard
You jerk awake, sweat trickling down your forehead

Your ego stops you from calling her
Wanting your insecurities hidden from sight
Tossing and turning on the bed
The reaper's hand tightens round your heart
It hurts so much.... so much...

Finally, you call
She hangs up
Innocent lies exchanged between both parties
What seemed like normal words of care and concern
tarnished by Lady Paranoia and Lord Jealousy

The reaper swings his scythe
Crimson blood trickling down his blade
You lie on your bed
Forever motionless
Forever breathless....

I SCARED YOU @ 7:26 PM